Deviant Login Shop
 Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour

:iconwiltprince: More from wiltprince

More from deviantART


Submitted on
November 7, 2012
File Size
4.6 KB


2 (who?)
She let her eyes open, her eyelashes gently brushing her browbone.

Leaves made no rustling nor movement under her.
Frankly, there was no sign of life at all; save for her own slow breathing that she was sure only she could hear, yet she tried muffling it by closing her lips.

This had been for some time, her laying in the dark, leaves lacing theirselves over her body lightly. Only lightly. She couldn't risk being weighed down in even the slightest bit.

The situation was far too severe.

She could feel the dirt stains slightly irritating the microscopic hairs that kissed her cheeks.

Never was she afraid of dirt, she liked how the stains looked, it made her feel like a hunter.

But that was when she was pretending, so she didn't feel threatened or nervous, or anything of the sort.

Now it was all too real.

She blinked, trying to ward off thoughts that would make her any more ill than she already felt.

With that not helping much she gripped the stick tight.

The stick was more dull on one end than the other, she had attempted to sharpen it, but it was pretty much impossible.

However, the other end could, well, not really prick the end of a finger in one touch, but could definately impale something if needed, and that was all she needed it to do.

It was her only weapon at the moment, in which she tried to be greatful for, but guilt and anger had overcome any feel of greatfulness that could have been there.

A small, bitter wind snuck through the trees like curious fingers. It distrubed a few leaves here and there, but she remained covered.

Along with the wind came a faint scent of burning and smoke.

Not of burning wood, though.

More like of rotting leaves and fungi.

The aroma of it didn't even bother the girl, she could smell it, but it didn't bother her.
Yet her eyes watered.

She mentally demanded herself to stop before she got so worked up that she would find herself crying.

And her body listened, except for a single tear that rolled down her cheek half way, making a muddy streak on her dirty face; before falling to the side, onto a leaf with a small "pledt" sound.

Sff. Sfffff.


Sff... ...Sff Sff...


Sf-ff... Sfff...

She could hear what she hoped was only one of them.

It was one of the most hushed sounds she'd ever witnessed... nearly similar to angel's whispers.

But she was listening... it was the only thing she was focused on.

She'd been waiting.


A distant sound of softly rustling leaves had come after.



It--for the gender was uncetain of it..of any of them, was slowly sniffing her out.

It was one of probably thirty she knows of.

There are many of them: all dressed up in dirty fur and animal faces.
They are a species of themselves.

Well, sure, they were probably all humans once... And to a random stranger, they'd look like humans dressed up like animals.

But they are no longer humans on the inside.

Their hearts are rotten and lost.

Their souls are no true color, the only soul that can be identified is an ugly face of an unrecognizable beingó something that may have been an animal... once.

She felt herself lose confidence as the thing drew closer.

Suddenly, this moment she was sure she had been prepared for looked her dead in the face and spit webs and dust in her eyes.

Sffff... stt...

Sfft... sfft...

She felt it inch closer to her...


The nails on it's animal covering dragging in the brush..


She could hear it breathing...


Her own heartbeat in her ears...


She held the stick as tight as she could...

Ssss... ff--


As soon as it lept for her she jumped up from the leaves, wielding the stick in front of her.

She squeezed her eyes shut and thrusted the weapon forward...


The wheezing had stopped after a few moments...

Her eyes remained shut even as she felt her cold hands and face become veiled in the warm liquid.
This was made up as I went, it was originally going to be..well, a few things actually; it was supposed t be a love story of Dev and Send, because I really REALLY want to make up a love story (yuk!) of them two cream puffs.
THEN I watched some videos and couldn't pick the mystery-horror theme from my then it was goign to be a story of Dev and Send, and Send rescues Dev from evil creatures (wild things)..This was supposed to be the prologue.

But then it turned into this...And even though it's not Dev and Send I think it's pretty good for doing absolutely NO creative writing for the past two years.

:icontuzkiboredplz: I

Please forgive any typos or catawumpass grammar.

My brain needs dees dreams yo'.

Inspired by San Cisco's New Song, Wild Things [link]

And a series of story-telling music videos I fell in love with, [link] [link] [link]

Hello! First of all, since you asked to forgive any typos/grammar, I'll just point out one and leave it at that: "The situation was far too suvere." It should be 'severe.'

I really like your idea here- the hunted lying in wait for the hunter deal. It's a good premise, and you get the idea across really well.

There are a few wording and stylistic things I'd like to point out, however:
In your second paragraph, you say, "Leaves made no rustling nor movement... in fact, there was no sign of movement." I think you could leave out the 'in fact, there was no sign of movement' entirely, and just let it start with 'Frankly, there was no sign of life at all." Having two consecutive sentences tell the reader that there was no movement is a bit redundant.

The amount of ellipses is a bit overwhelming. I understand you're trying to go for a certain feel here, but it tends to get a little bit disjointed, especially towards the end of the piece.

Let's take a look at this line: 'an ugly face of an unrecognizable being..something that may have been an animal.....once..' Firstly, when you use ellipses, they should always come in groups of three. Not two, not five, three, and they should always have a space after them (that's just the rule). Taking this into account, this is what that line should look like: 'an ugly face of an unrecognizable being... something that may have been an animal... once.'

I know the appeal of ellipses, when used correctly they can add quite a bit of atmosphere to a piece. However, try to consider the dash as well. A dash can add a good amount of emphasis to a line. Take the line we just looked at, for example. If you used dashes instead of ellipses: 'an ugly face of an unrecognizable being-- something that may have been an animal... once.' This packs more of a punch.

The final line is really good, and ends things on a quietly dramatic note. You have a pretty good understanding of description.
Keep at it! :D
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

No comments have been added yet.

Add a Comment: